Episode 1. When the Differences Become Annoying
Anyone who’s been married for any length of time will tell you, the differences in their marriage partner that they once found endearing and funny at some point become incredibly annoying. Why …
Anyone who’s been married for any length of time will tell you, the differences in their marriage partner that they once found endearing and funny at some point become incredibly annoying. Why is that? And if you relate to that what can you do about it?
When I first married my beautiful wife Jacqui and we made our home together, shared a house, a bedroom, a bathroom, something happened that would completely and utterly shatter me and it turned my world so upside down that within just a few weeks it had me wondering whether I had married the right girl.
See, I discovered she had a dark secret, a secret only her husband would discover. And right now I’m going to share that secret with you and the moment I do I know you’re going to see how completely shattered I was. Well here it goes, she squeezes the toothpaste from the top of the tube instead of the bottom of the tube. Can you believe that?
I was totally shocked. All my life I’d neatly and efficiently squeezed the toothpaste from the bottom of the tube, that way you make sure that not only does the tube stay in a good shape but over time you’ll systematically squeeze every last morsel of toothpaste out not wasting a single bit.
See this process deeply entrenched in my emotional psyche was tried, it was proven, it was as fundamental as knowing that the sun will rise every morning and it was as important a foundation in my life as the concrete foundations beneath my house. How could she possibly do this? Now I can laugh about it now but at the time it threatened the very existence of our marriage. Well not quite but you get my drift as I make fun of myself.
It’s the little things that can tear our marriages apart. It’s the little foxes that ruin the vine. Now fortunately I had some great wisdom, God given I believe, to solve this enormous problem. Within a few weeks of our marriage a second tube of toothpaste was inserted into our bathroom, one for Jacqui and one for me. I would never again have to pick up a deformed, mangled tube of toothpaste in my life, phew. Problem solved, marriage saved, crisis avoided.
When we head off on the marriage journey together, husband and wife, we’re going to laugh about those funny little differences. Jacqui for instance is completely spatially impaired, I mean really. She’s been known on more than one occasion to become totally lost in a department store. I on the other hand somehow always seem to know which way is North, it doesn’t matter where I am and I can generally follow my nose to get to where I want to go. Although these days I guess the satellite navigation in the car rather helps.
But Berni here, I struggle incredibly sometimes to remember people’s names. Part of that is a function, I guess, of the fact that I meet a lot of people but I can be introduced to someone, knowing my problem, concentrating on their name, being totally determined to remember that this is Susan, that’s Craig, that one’s Geoff, that one’s Maria only to completely forget their names within twenty seconds. Jacqui always chuckles as I lean over to her and whisper, ‘Um what’s that guys name again?’
Now we all start off finding those differences endearing, funny but as I said at the top of the program at some point those things turn sour on us. If you were able to join us last week on the program you’ll know that we’re smack bang in the middle of a series of messages on rediscovering the passion in our marriages, a series that I’ve called, ‘Kiss Me Like You Mean It’ inspired by the brilliant book of the same name by Dr David Clarke.
Now there’s nothing that kills passion more than when we let the little things that once made us smile become evidence that we hurl in our marriage partner’s face to show that they’re just no good. Any of that sound just a bit familiar?
We have the capacity to turn molehills into mountains, to magnify the little faults in our dearly beloved and there’s a reason for that because when after several years of marriage you’ve put up with that same fault, that same weakness, that same annoying habit for the ten thousandth time, well it’s like Chinese water torture where they drip water on your forehead for days – drip, drip, drip – after a while it feels like they’re dropping a brick on your head.
And it’s the same with our marriage partner’s weaknesses. Have a listen to this statement of wisdom from a Book in the Old Testament of the Bible, ‘The Song of Songs’ which rather amazingly is a story of a passionate love between a man, King Solomon of Israel, around 950 BC and a Shulammite woman, just have a listen to this. The Song of Songs, chapter 2, verse 15:
Catch us the foxes, the little foxes that ruin the vineyards for our vineyards are in full blossom.
If you have a half an hour read this Book, ‘The Song of Songs’ in the Old Testament of the Bible, it will utterly amaze you. These two are madly in love; they are head over heels for one another and pretty early on in the story comes this incredible statement of wisdom that it’s the little foxes that ruin the vineyard.
So someone please catch them because our vineyards in full bloom, it’s about to bare fruit, we’re madly in love with each other. Our love for one another is so wonderful that we want to catch these little so-and-so’s who want to ruin our marriage, ruin our passionate love for one another as husband and wife and we want to get them out of our marriage, out of our vineyard because we want to see the fruit.
So in your marriage, do you want to see the fruit of a deep passionate, head over heels relationship with your wife or with your husband as the case may be? Do you? Then get to and catch the little foxes.
What are they? See, what is it that drives you absolutely crazy about the one that you’re supposed to love more than any other, to the exclusion of every other? ‘Ah she bought a pair of shoes, she doesn’t need any more shoes.’ Or wives might say, ‘Can you believe he’s watching sport on television again? And you know he always leaves his socks lying on the floor by the bed’.
You know what those things are. Come on, let’s be honest, they are molehills not mountains. It’s not the action itself that is so terribly wrong; it’s how we react to it. It’s not going to kill us to leave the socks lying on the floor. It’s not going to kill us if our wife bought a pair of shoes.
None of those in the context of our marriage really matter but we make mountains out of the molehills. The little foxes are our attitude and they’re the things that we need to get out of our marriage. It’s the attitude of criticism.
Now I know what you’re thinking, oh okay maybe I can forgive the socks on the floor or that new pair of shoes just this one more time. All right I’ll get over it but how long can this thing go on? How many more times do I have to forgive? Well that’s a fair question and Jesus has the answer for you, praise God, Matthew chapter 18 beginning at verse 21:
Then Peter came to him and said, ‘Lord, if another member of the Church sins against me how often should I forgive them? Seven times?’ And Jesus said to him, ‘no not seven times, I’ll tell you seventy seven times.
See that figure of speech that Jesus was using there is called hyperbole. In other words it’s an exaggeration to make His point.
Imagine forgiving someone seventy seven times for doing the same thing to you over and over again. That’s water torture but that’s what Jesus is calling us to do and that speaks right into my marriage and yours if you too happen to be married because when we forgive, listen to this, it’s really powerful, when we forgive completely and utterly we eliminate our bad reaction which turns the molehill into the mountain. See it’s our bad reaction that’s the little fox that ruins the vine.
There are some really deep and important issues sometimes in our marriages that we do need to deal with, that we do need to confront, yes there are but the toothpaste and the socks? Well come on, they’re not quite in that category are they? Listen to it again, here it is, Song of Songs chapter 2, verse 15:
Catch us the foxes, the little foxes that ruin the vineyards for our vineyards are in blossom.
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